Introduction

Hello!  I'm Jenn and I've some experience in the world of chronic pain.  And being a Mom and a wife.  I'm 37 years old and this is my story.

When you look at me you see a smiling (usually), somewhat overweight, kinda tall woman.  When I'm out, I'm mobbed by my kids.  I only have two but I swear some days they're worse than having six.  They are fourteen and ten and, since I was gone for two and a half years, constantly all over me.  They're energetic, gorgeous, brilliant (both almost straight A students), empathic and compassionate children.

But they are still children, so sometimes the compassion is a little thin.

They grew up with me, progressively worsening chronic pain, able to do less and less as the years have passed.  I've missed more soccer, more hockey, more school functions and trips than I care to count.  Then in '07, I made it worse by leaving the country.  I was only supposed to be gone three months.  I was gone two and a half years.  Some of it by choice, some of it not so much.  Without an income I was completely dependent on those around me.  It sucked hard.

It was a miserable time without my kids and after a while it started to get to me mentally and I began to break down.  Thankfully, I have a really good relationship with my ex-husband and he got me home.  Now I am back, in my own apartment and I have partial custody of my children.   We are all delighted.

Background comes with an introduction, so here you are.

I was born and raised in the Toronto area and, as was common at the time, the product of a broken home.  I grew up with abuse on varying levels from the extreme to what some would consider relatively mild forms of mental abuse.  If you ask me, "you're fat" lasts longer than a slap in the face.

I moved to Calgary in my late teens and I loved it there but, as was my wont then, I screwed it up and I ended up back in Ontario.  I met my soon-to-be husband that same year and, 18 months later my surprise was born.

Because of a combination of physical abuse  and genetics, I was predisposed to Fibromyalgia.  There are a lot of theories about why people get fibro but I think it hast to do with genetics as much as anything else.  I have six siblings, two other ones, plus our mom, all have fibro.  Funny thing, we're all women.  

But fibro isn't my only problem.  Parts of my spine are deteriorating. Osteoarthritis here and there, joints basically dissolving here and there.  I have nerve issues, likely because of the spine problems.  Anxiety, stomach problems, sensitivities to touch, light, sound and smell.

And two children.  It took my ex three years to talk me into having the second one.

After she was born, I had my tubes tied.  That was it, I was DONE.  Complications with the surgery led to other surgeries.  Five in total.  I am now sans uterus with ovaries preserved.  It took two years for all the surgeries and recovery time.  During each recovery period, my ex was sweet, considerate, helpful, kind, not angry, not laying guilt trips.  He did everything that needed to be done without asking questions or whining.

I was amazed, that's not the way he'd been treating me up til then.  Then he went back to what I was used to. That made me angry.  I can be violent when I'm angry, though it takes a LOT to get me there.  More so now. But then....  Well, he was angry because he couldn't fix me, I was angry because he took it out on me.  Our relationship took a turn for the worse.  It got violent, mouthy - a lot of name calling.  I decided that I didn't want my kids, then nine and five, growing up thinking that it was okay for a relationship to be like that.  So I cashed in an investment we'd set aside for Ben's college and moved out.   We got divorced, which happens a lot in marriages where one partner has fibro or another invisible illness.

Except for one incident that landed him in jail for a night, it's been better.

Then I left the country.

So here I am, five years later, trying to put my life back together after a serious bad call in judgement.  (Men are never worth not seeing your children for)

And I have now decided that it's time for me to write a blog about living with these pain conditions and the level of pain I do.  I'm pretty damn sure I'm not the only one out there who does.

I will try to write daily about my adventures and coping mechanisms (it's not all about the drugs).  It's taken me a long time and a lot of heartache to get to where I am.

I count my blessings every day, thus far I'm up to 24.  One of them is my ex-husband.